The Inagural Fivies

The Salina Highbanks Speedway awards banquet is coming up. Point championship awards and rookie of the year awards will be presented, and several drivers will be recognized for their racing achievements. My hat goes off to all of them. Those award winning drivers have achieved something that no one will ever be able to take away from them. For the rest of their days on this earth, they will be recognized as 2006 Salina Highbanks Champions. However, several other people put forth great efforts this season, and did not receive any recognition. Turn 5 will change that. Turn 5 would like to recognize the people who given race fans laughs, tears, and pure joy this season. You may not have won a track championship, but you won a 2006 Fivie Award, and that has got to count for something.

"Uh-oh, better get Maaco" Award

This award goes to the driver whose car undergoes the most radical cosmetic transformation over the course of the racing season. This year, we honor a man who took a perfectly shiny, yellow Chevrolet Camaro, and turned it into a dirty speed machine with an unprecedented collection of large dents.

The Fivie goes to:
Steve Freeman, #7B Pure Stock

Sponsor of the Year

Now that Wal-Mart Inc. owns the speedway, Turn 5 is contractually obligated to recognize
Sam's Club
With a Fivie Award.

Manufacturer's Award

Toyota
Toyota 4 Life, baby.

"Turn 5 doesn't understand why your article didn't draw a bigger response" Award

Turn 5’s writers and editors take great care in researching every article published on the Turn 5 site. The arduous reporting process insures maximum enjoyment for readers. Every so often, a Turn 5 article is expected to debut as a “total winner,” yet receives a minimal reaction from the fans.

The Fivie goes to:
“The Ol’ Sugar Bear” Brian Scroggins, #86 Factory Stock
For some reason, the article depicting Sugar Bear having diabetes was a complete miss with race fans.

"Unless you'd like to climb off that four wheeler and explain the problem in a calm and civilized manner, why don't you just mind your own business?" Award

The Fivie goes to:
SHB rent-a-cop
Honestly, dude, I paid to get into the pits.

"Maybe the jokes about you got a little stale" Award

Even Turn 5 gets a little carried away sometimes. Occasionally, the writers do not know where to stop, and lines of comedy are crossed. This year’s winners probably did not need three solid weeks of coverage, but you have to admit, a cop driving a racecar is kind of funny.

The Fivie goes to:
Mike Collins, #2 Economy Modified and Roger Starling, #2s Economy Modified

Crew Chief of the Year

On the track, racing is about one man controlling one vehicle against several opponents of equal mindset. Off the track, racing is a team effort. Turn 5 would like to recognize a man who launched an unprecedented five car team, and guided two of his drivers to Top 10 finishes in the 2006 Pure Stock point standings.

The Fivie goes to:
Joe "Big Papa" Jackson

Track Worker of the Year

Racing would not be possible without the dozens of people who put in countless hours of labor, week-in and week-out, to give race fans the best chance to enjoy the spectacle of motorsports. Without the employees of Salina Highbanks Speedway, racing as we know it would cease to exist. Each year, Turn 5 recognizes the most outstanding track worker for dedication, sportsmanlike conduct, and dedication to racing.

The Fivie goes to:
Technical Inspector Chris "Eagle Eye" Peepers

Honorable Mention:
Beer Shack manager Herb "Skunky" Lager

Running Gag of the Year

Sometimes, a concept from Turn 5 catches on and becomes talk of the pits, grandstands, and message boards. For a story to win this award, it must be accepted much further than the author ever intended. This year’s Fivie Award winner took the cake in deciding fashion.

The Fivie goes to:
Team F4 Phantoms/Team McLain/Ford Team

Turn 5 Fan of the Year

This award is given to a person in the racing community who displays a complete disregard for the Turn 5 editors’ sense of humor, and a general disdain for the internet in general.

The Fivie goes to:
Track Owner Paula

Veteran of the Year

In a few days, Salina Highbanks Speedway will honor its 2006 rookies of the year. What a bunch of crap. Who cares about some first year racer who barely survived their first year of competition? Turn 5 recognizes a grizzled veteran who puts on a show for race fans each weekend. The award designates a racer who displays honor, sportsmanship, and dedication to racing. This year, Turn 5 honors the man who sparked the “success” of this very publication. His scandal crossed over into mainstream Highbanks culture, and nearly started a literal fire on the internet message boards.

The Fivie goes to:
Randy Frailey #51 Modified

The Turn 5 board of executives hopes you enjoyed the 2006 season of racing at Salina Highbanks Speedway. Do you feel left out of the awards ceremony? Are you upset about the results?

Well…

Better luck next year.

Racing in Bulk

Turn 5
Season 1
Lap 14

"Sam to Buy Speedway?"
by: Ed Goodspeed
Salina Evening Post

SALINA- Rob Walton, Chairman of the Board of Directors of Wal-Mart, Inc. announced today that Wal-Mart is currently negotiating the purchase of Salina Highbanks Speedway. The announcement comes amidst a flurry of speculation surrounding the sale of the track.

Walton did not announce details of the negotiations, but did release some of Wal-Mart’s plans for the facility.

“We plan to re-name the track, ‘Sam’s Club International Speedway,’ and we hope the new name will usher in a new era of quality. We want to upgrade the facility to provide our customers with the best possible experience,” Walton said.

The proposed “upgrades” call for several changes to the rules and regulations at the racetrack.

Racers would only be able to use auto parts purchased at Wal-Mart or Sam’s Club stores, and would be required to leave the bar code and price tag stickers on all racing equipment.

“They are going to take my tools and gave me a nametag and one of those little guns that scans bar codes,” sighed four-star cashier Chris “Eagle Eye” Peepers. Under the previous owner, Peepers’ official title was technical inspector, or tech man.

“They will pay me minimum wage to scan parts all day, I don’t even get to measure anything. And what’s worse? They are going to replace me with a (expletive deleted) machine!” Peepers shouted. The potential owners plan to install several “self-checkout” machines in the technical inspection area, where racers can scan their own equipment, assuming they have a valid Sam’s Club membership card.

Peepers would not be the only track employee forced to change jobs. Herb "Skunky" Lager would also be affected.

"They want to close down the beer shack because they want the track to be more family friendly," Lager said, "So if the deal passes, I'm going to be the new greeter. And I'll also need to see your valid Sam's Club card."

Another proposed feature of Sam’s Club International Speedway is a series of speed bumps on each straightaway. According to Walton, the speed bumps will help reduce the risk of accidents.

Racers would not be the only group affected by change under the new owners. According to Walton, the speedway’s concession stands and gift shops will sell their wares in bulk in order to pass the retailer’s savings on to the customer.

“I don’t know how anyone could eat a trash bag of popcorn and drink 48 cans of pop in one night, but at prices this low, you’d be a fool to pass these deals up,” said concession worker Saul T. Pickles.

In order to shop at the new track, and watch the occasional car race, fans will be required to register for a Sam’s Club card.

If the deal clears, Sam’s Club International Raceway will be unveiled at the start of the 2007 racing season.