Feminist Firestorm

Turn 5
Season 1
Lap 13

“Protesters Protest Recent Protests”

By Ed Goodspeed
Salina Evening Post
Wednesday, September 20, 2006

SALINA- A crowd of demonstrators at the pit entrance at Salina Highbanks Speedway remains vigilant tonight following three days of protesting.

Demonstrators carried signs, waved banners, and chanted their displeasure toward a recent outbreak of protest in the track’s technical inspection area. The demonstration sparked from several drivers expressing grievance with the set-up of veteran driver Lesa Vaughn’s pure stock division racecar.

The protestors chanted “Stop the protests! Stop the protests!” for over four hours straight today, and the demonstrations are expected to intensify as race day draws near.

“We’re protesting against the pure stock drivers who want to protest Lesa Vaughn’s car,” said organizer Martha Burk. “All of those pansies are just upset about losing to a woman. They can’t protest her equipment, because that’s discrimination!”

Burk says the protestors will continue to make their presence felt until the conclusion of Friday night’s race. The Mayes County Sheriff’s Office plans to have extra deputies on hand to ensure the safety of both racing teams and protestors.

“It seems like we’ve been clearing up incidents at the race track all year. I wish the pure stock drivers could settle their differences, but until that happens, we’ll be there to keep the peace,” Mayes County Sheriff Frank Cantey said.

Cantey noted the nature of the feminist protests have been completely legal thus far.
Tensions at the race track are expected to be on high for Friday night’s race. Track Owner Paula raised the track’s official terror level from yellow, “elevated” to orange “high,” in anticipation of the upcoming drivers’ meeting.

Cantey says his deputies will be on hand to escort technical inspector Chris “Eagle Eye” Peepers from the parking lot to the inspection area in order to protect him from angry protesters.

“We intend to keep our demonstration peaceful, so long as the track officials do the right thing and leave Lesa Vaughn and the rest of the female drivers alone,” Burk said.

Vaughn finished second in last week’s pure stock race.

Sponsorships

Dear Readers,

Racing means a lot to many different people. To some, racing means the thrills of speed, competition, and making a machine perform better than it should. To others, racing is the satisfaction of turning wrenches and tuning like car like a surgeon might tune someone’s heart. To even more, watching a race is one of the finest experiences on earth. For a few hours each weekend, older race fans can feel like kids again, and kids can continue to feel like kids. I have tried to capture all of these aspects of racing here in Turn 5. I also happen to feel like I have passed over a crucial part of the racing experience...

Sponsorships!

Modern auto racing would not exist as we know it without sponsors. My mission is to provide fun entertainment to race fans from all walks of life by going beyond what happens on the track. I have been doing everyone who has ever enjoyed Turn 5 a huge disservice by omitting sponsors from the equation.

Turn 5 gets a constant stream of traffic every time I update it. I have decided to give sponsors an opportunity to partner with Turn 5.

This isn’t about money. I don’t plan to keep any money I make by selling sponsorships on Turn 5. The money will be used to put cars on the race track.

Questions you may have:

So if you aren’t going to keep the money, where is it going?
I plan to take any and all money I make selling sponsorships of Turn 5 and using it to...

dun, dun, dun!

Sponsor a racecar in 2008!

Excellent! A Turn 5 car?
Only if I make enough money selling sponsorships. Regardless of how much I make, the name “Turn 5” will appear on a racecar in some manner. If I get a ton of sponsors, I’ll buy space on somebody’s hood. If nobody sponsors Turn 5, I’ll buy a small square of space on someone’s rear bumper for a single race that no one in the crowd will be able to see.

Wait… if you sponsor the car, how will your sponsors benefit from sponsoring you?
All of Turn 5 viewers will see the sponsor’s name, logo, or likeness when they read Turn 5.

Couldn’t they just sponsor their own car?
Yes.

Whose car are you going to sponsor?
Maybe yours. That will be decided during phase 2 of this plan. I’d like to help an upstart yet underprivileged racing team.

How much will it cost to be a Turn 5 sponsor, and what types of ads can I buy?
We can negotiate. Pay $5, become the official sponsor of an issue (i.e. This week’s edition of Turn 5 is brought to you by John’s Port-a-John Service, the official portable toilet company of Turn 5. check out their website at www.portabletoilethumorisntveryfunny.com) Pay $10, I’ll put your banner on the sidebar for the rest of the season. Pay $100, I’ll let you write you write your own article.

Please note, these are just examples. Neither the prices of the sponsorships nor the nature of the ads are set in stone. Let’s just say, I’m a pretty agreeable guy and I’ll be more than fair. Sponsorships will be cheap.

What other benefits do sponsors get?
Since you’ll be paying by check, you can learn the Turn 5 editor’s secret identity!

Aren’t you the guy from Salina Racing Blog (http://brianwebster.blogspot.com)?
No.

Will Turn 5 still be funny?
That depends on whether or not you normally find it funny. I always get a kick out of watching drivers do interviews. If you listen closely, you never hear the word “car.” It’s always “the Dupont Automotive Finishes Hendrick Motorsports Chevrolet Monte Carlo,” or the “Penske Miller Light Dodge.” Due to my warped sense of humor, I crack up at this. I plan to use sponsors to make Turn 5 articles more realistic.

When I put together a Turn 5 article, I try to make the topic completely ridiculous, yet not completely impossible. Sponsorships will help me continue to walk this fine line. So if you like that brand of humor, think about sponsoring Turn 5.

You’re selling out!
That’s not a question.

Can racing teams/promoters sponsor Turn 5?
Heck yes.

How do I know you aren’t going to keep the money?
I’ll take pictures to prove my honesty.

How do I get started?
Email turn5salina@yahoo.com

-The Editor of Turn 5

Fire on Ice

Turn 5
Season 1
Lap 12

“Oilers Sign Racecar Driver”
by: Reggie Dunlop
Central Hockey League Weekly
Friday, September 01, 2006

TULSA- The Tulsa Oilers took a non-traditional route to acquire some much needed muscle this week. General Manager Tommy Hanrahan announced today that Oilers plan to use a local racecar driver as a checking line specialist.

Brannon Holman, of Peggs, Oklahoma, is familiar for his racing exploits at Salina Highbanks Speedway. After a brawl at the track last week, Hanrahan contacted Holman about becoming an enforcer, what old time hockey fans would call a goon, for Tulsa.

“It was just amazing how he attacked this other driver,” Hanrahan said. “He’s got the kind of short fuse that could really ignite our hockey club.”

The Oilers had a record of 28-29-7 last seasons, good enough to finish last in the CHL’s Northwest Division. Hanrahan says many of those losses came by way of intimidation, a problem he hopes Holman will fix.

“My players won’t be afraid anymore. If somebody on the other team so much as looks at our guys wrong, we’ll sick Mr. Badwrench on ‘em.”

The Oilers front office leapt at the chance to market a local player. T-shirt sales have seen a 10% increase since the team launched a marketing campaign dubbing Holman “Mr. Badwrench.” Hockey sponsor Snap-On Tools is also on board for a “Brannon Holman ratchet night,” at an Oilers game next season.

While the front office has embraced Holman, some of his future teammates are not so sure about him.

“Who is this guy?” Oilers leading scorer Jim Dahl asked. “He gets in one fight, and suddenly he’s our new goon? I bet he can’t even skate. What a stupid publicity stunt, eh.”

According to Hanrahan, the factory stock driver will finish out the racing season while taking skating lessons during his free time.

“We missed the playoffs last season, and obviously we need to fix that. Hopefully Brannon Holman will be the guy who gives us back our edge,” Hanrahan said. “If it doesn’t work out, we’ll keep him around to drive the Zamboni.”